


Subtextual Fanfictionalia

by Dwimordene



Category: The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Humor, Other - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-26
Updated: 2015-06-26
Packaged: 2018-04-06 08:40:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 463
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4215176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dwimordene/pseuds/Dwimordene
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rocky Horror Picture Show meets Middle-earth's fractured fanfic continuum in a parody of  "Sweet Transvestite". Legolas, with the help of Gimli and Aragorn, undertakes to explain a few things...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Subtextual Fanfictionalia

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the HASA Transition Team: This story was originally archived at [HASA](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Henneth_Ann%C3%BBn_Story_Archive), which closed in February 2015. To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in February 2015. We posted announcements about the move, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this author, please contact The HASA Transition Team using the e-mail address on the [HASA collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/hasa/profile).

A/N: Rocky Horror Picture Show meets Middle-earth's fractured fanfic continuum in a parody of "Sweet Transvestite". Legolas, with the help of Gimli and Aragorn, undertakes to explain a few things...  
  


  


* * *

  


  
_There comes a knocking. A familiar figure stumps over from the scantily clad figure lounging on the couch in the room beyond the door to answer it. The door opens to reveal two girls, standing there goggling at Gimli son of Glóin... in fishnets. Cue music..._  
  
Legolas (from couch):  
  
How do you do?  
I see you've met my faithful Dwarven man  
He's just a little brought down because  
When you knocked  
He thought you were the Dúnadan  
Fangirls get strung out by the way we "cook"  
(Classic judgin' books by their covers)  
See those ears? Not a Man by the light of day  
And by night I'm one hot elven lover  
I'm just a sweet princely bite  
It's my subtextual fanfiction alias  
  
Gimli:  
  
Why don't you stay for the night  
Or maybe a pipe?  
We could talk about that bookish description  
Because you're making a man from some hair and a fan—  
Fictionally lurid obsession  
  
Fangirl 1: "Lurid obsession?"  
  
Legolas:  
  
Let me show you the scene, maybe explain a few things  
You look like you're both pretty confused  
Or if you want something visual  
That's not too abysmal  
We could leaf through some old reviews  
  
Fangirl 2:  
  
I'm glad we caught you at home  
Could we see your, uh, bow?  
We're both in a bit of a hurry...  
  
Gimli (sarcasm):  
  
Right!  
Aragorn (arriving then):  
  
Don't think that you'll get far  
You don't know what we are  
But you'll soon understand, don't worry  
  
Legolas:  
  
Well we got caught in the act—  
No, not like _that_ —  
The fanfic scene's mad antics:  
With the stroke of a pen  
We're all in love with men  
(Though the writing's pedantic romantic)  
So I'm sweet "Leggy lite"  
Yeah, a subtextual fanfiction alias  
Why not stay with "Lego-bite"?  
Aragorn:  
  
"Lego-bite"?  
  
Legolas (evilly):  
  
Or the "king of Gond-whore".  
  
Fangirls:  
  
But—  
  
Gimli (suggestive):  
  
I could show you my favorite obsession  
I've been doing a man  
With blond hair but no tan  
And he's good for relieving my tension  
  
Legolas (coy):   
  
I'm just a sweet princely bite  
Oh subtextual fanfictionalia!  
Hit it! Hit it!  
I'm just a prince of no might—  
  
Fangirls:  
  
"Prince of no might"?  
  
Aragorn:  
  
It's subtextual  
  
Fangirls:  
  
Fanfiction alias?  
  
Legolas:  
  
So yeah just rewrite me  
I'll show you my... 'tree'  
I see you shiver with antici...pation  
But it's never me  
So ladies be free  
Oh I'll be all you want  
In fanfiction  
  


  


* * *

  


  
The lyrics to "Sweet Transvestite" are [here](http://www.rockymusic.org/lyrics/index.html) (although the extra verse in the beginning comes about because I was listening to the Anthony Stewart Head version, and he does repeat a verse).  
  
The soundfiles are [here](http://www.rockymusic.org/cds/head.html)

  


.


End file.
